primal men on men
Glad July is over.

Ok the final revelation of why July is a tough month for me. First it was the fall, then there was the adjustment and now the result. On July 31, 2010 I found out what else is wrong with my body. I was showing great strides in my working out and with the muscle mass to verify it, well I thought I did. It all started my a slight numbness in my left foot, the kind of sensation it seems that my foot is a asleep. It would come and go, then it became persistent. One day the numbness had was not just to my left foot but all the way to my left calf. I went to the VA to get it checked out. I explained it to my doctor that it’s a numbness sensation no pain just a numbness. She checked me out and said I seem fine but would like to check my spinal column. She requested a CT on my back. I’m used to having a CT but for my head not my entire back. There I was inside the machine again with the vibration noise. As I get out of the machine my doctor informed me what the problem is.

‘Findings: 6mm anterolisthesis of L5 on S1 with uncovering of posterior L5-S1 disc space due to bilateral L5 pars defects with moderately severe right and moderate left foraminal narrowing. The vertebral body height are normal. No aggressive focal osseous lesions are seen. The lower thoracic cord, conus medullaris, and cauda equine demonstrate normal size and signal intensity. Mild degenerative disc disease is present at L5/S1 manifest as mild disc degeneration. No significant central canal or neural foraminal stenosis is present in the remainder of the lumbar spine. Mild facet arthropathy L3-4 and L4-5. No significant spinal canal stenosis.

The paravertebral soft tissues are unremarkable.

Impression: 6 mm anterolisthesis of L5 on S1 with uncovering of posterior L5-S1 disk space due to bilateral L5 pars defects with moderately severe right and moderate left foraminal narrowing.

Remaining other levels demonstrate no significant posterior disc bulges or protrusion without significant spinal canal or foramina stenosis.’

This is what is wrong with my back and why I don’t lift weight like I used to. I avoid compressing my spinal and impacting activities especially running.

So yes I’m glad to say move on July because September is right around the corner and it’s my Birth Month, this year I’m turning 40!!!

Should I do a cameo to group ?

On July 20th it was one year of being HIV positive. The next Wednesday I started attending this group therapy session for HIV positive men. The normal stuff occurred at these meetings. After my first session I was thinking to myself “damn all these dudes have issues besides being pos”. I continued on a weekly basis and hearing the same old story “why me” “my family don’t know” “can I still have sex?” “do I have to tell my hookups”. After a month of these months I knew I would not last is this group. So I began going every two weeks. Then I became monthly. November was the last time I’ve been going to this group because it was not the place for me nor did I fit in. Here were my issues with that group

1) The guys were constantly looking for someone to blame. Unless you were tied up and secretly drugged, in my opinion there is no one to blame but yourself. Even if the person you were having sex with did not tell you his status, why would you engage in unprotected sex without first getting tested together to even verify. You trusted him or her for what they told you is your own fault.
2) The guys were saying “I’m not even out to my family, how can I tell them HIV positive”. That one always made me laugh because “gurl you’re voice and flaming shadow is a big give away” your family already knows. If you can talk to some strangers about your status and problems why is it so hard to talk to your loved ones. But I understand why it could be hard for some people. All that aside, I told my family as a concern for their own status, meaning as I explained to my family about my status is this. Let’s say I’m at your place or their visiting; I split on some water and cut my forehead on the counter as I fall down and I’m unconscious. Your immediate reaction might be to grad a cloth towel and try to stop the bleeding. Maybe you cutting vegetables and accidents cut your finger as I fall down, there that cut and my blood could lead to a transfer of fluids. Know that you know, you know to take caution and wear nitrile gloves when there is a chance of bodily fluids. Yes my family had question but I said ok this is not the 80’s or 90’s where it’s an instant death sentence. There are drugs that can maintain the HIV virus, where I could be undetectable and live a long health life and long as I take my meds. Yeah I’m lucky because first off my family loves me for who I am. Second my family knows how research information and not believe lies.
3) Can I have sex? Yes it’s called the Slammer and bbrts. All jokes aside these guys were talking about they were scared to have any body contact and sex was something you should do alone now. During my time to speak I would talk about the hookups I just had over the weekend and they you drop their jaws. I would reply “I only have sex with other positive men” and the question of “you’re not afraid” or “how” I would be honest with men. Just because I positive does not mean I’m dead it just an adjustment and who I choose to have sex with. I inform them that my on-line profile including a4a all have my HIV status and I filter based on that. If it’s in the bar hookup I ask what their status is after I let the person know I’m positive. I told them I’m responsible for my actions and bring straight to the point lets the other person choose not based on my status is fine with me.
4) I can barely make my rent. That one made me think that maybe I’m a little snooty a bit. But never did I brag about my finances like another dude who constantly stated it. I began to think I was not in the same economic status as the majority of the group members. So I could not relate to the section 8 stories on living on the streets. I’ve always paid my own bills ever since I moved out of my family’s place at age 17 and never asked for help. I had that drive to do it all on my own (that is another story I need to type about). So during the group session I would tune out the sorry finances stories.

Okay I guess I’m saying after this rant is that tonight I’m going to make a cameo and just let them know I’m still alive and living a good life without being the sad gay man.

It’s been one year ( 7-20-11 )

July seems to have all the bricks that have changed my path if life. I stated earlier my head injury, now comes the time for my status change. But it has a background history. Back in 2005 I met one of my LTRs at a bar one night in LA. It was lust at first sight. As soon as we left that gay bar we fucked at his place. And soon we were fucking quite regularly. After several months have passed, he invited me over to his family for thanksgiving. Yup his family lives in LA, the odds of that, right? I was nervous to meet his family especially his dad “yes sir I’m the man fucking your son”. While I driving there he grabs my hand right hand and said he needs to tell me something of most importance. I was thinking more like how we met in a lustful attraction, and how we could tell a story on how it was a more friendly setting. I was wrong he said “Frankie I’m HIV positive”. I was shocked inside but was trying to show no emotion. I recall saying to him “why you telling me this now? I’ve had sex for several months now.” He started to tear and said that this is the hardest thing he had to do because his developed intense feelings for me and didn’t know how to tell me. After that evening with his family I freaked out and wanted to get tested. I didn’t talk to him for 2 weeks because I was mad, scared, and angry. But like him, I also had intense feelings for him and made a choice to remain with him. So for the first year we were together it was always safe never with a condom. Then one night I didn’t use a condom and continued not to use one. We were together for 3 years. For the 2 years we were fucking bareback I would get tested for STDs every three months; yet each time the results were HIV negative. After breaking up with him I would engage with the random hook ups and majority if each time it was bareback and continued to get tested every 3 months. For about 6 years of bareback gay sex I would get the HIV result and it was negative. For a while I thought “I must be immune to HIV” but it was not the case. On July 20, 2011 is the day my HIV status changed. So on that day I tested HIV positive. It’s been one year of living, learning and embracing my HIV positive status. I’m on atripla and currently undetectable. Every hookup or potential hookup I let them know my HIV status and if their status is negative I tell them sorry but it’s not going to happen.

I’ve fallen, but still got up (eventually)

This is my experience and how i remember it. It might be a bit hazy at times, but you can blame my brain for that

July 3, 1999 it’s time to earn your jump pay. Yup the way to earn a little more in the Army was to do some extra stuff. Sure I enjoyed it but it was not always easy. My life changed forever, and the way I looked at myself. Being the squad leader of my squad I had extra responsibilities of inspecting the gear of my men. On that day it was another routine jump to earn our pay and of course for training. That was my problem I was thinking of it as a “routine”. I’ve been in the Army for almost 4 years now and the amount of jumps I’ve done has been enough for a step up. (I’m skipping right to the event, what I ate for breakfast is not important) As we are stepping up for our jump, I turned around to spot my partner (in the Army is where I met my soul mate [that’s another story and “Gonzo” is his name]) and gave him a thumbs up as he did the same. The green light goes, we shuffle, one by one we exit the C-130. I’m out the door, trying to stay in the tight L shape counting until my canopy opens up then bam the force of the canopy. I reach up for the risers and look up. The left side of my canopy is being to collapse, I try not to panic as I’m my dissent is accelerating. With all my strength I start pulling down or climbing on my risers to pull my canopy away from so I can deploy my reserve. I was not thinking I was just reacting and out of sheer luck I get my collapsed canopy way and I pull my reserve. I see the reserve deploy and it opens up, then bam I’m on the ground. I feels like an eternity as I’m lying there I open my eyes and all I see is a blank white world. I think to myself is this heaven as I ask myself that my eye sight returns and I see the sky. I’m dazed and begin wondering if this it was just a dream. Then I hear in the distance sirens and voices. I remain lying there not fully aware of what just happened. I close my eyes and things remain blank. I tell myself “come-on Frankie, get up, get up!” I begin to move my arms and legs. As I was about to roll over, I felt these hands grab me and I hear “don’t move!” Lying with my back on the ground I see a crowd of people looking down at me and yelling instructions. Still dazed I try to comply with their demands. I was put on a stretcher and taken to the medical center. There I was given a CT scan (all clear) then they checked my motor skills and functions (all clear). I was kept overnight at the medical center on the July 4, 1999 I was given a CT and all was good and I was released. There to pick me up was Gonzo and other army friends. We go back to our place (Gonzo and I lived off-post together [that needs further talk like I said earlier about my soul mate]). That Fourth of July night we had a big celebration at our place and watching the fireworks display from our place, all was good I took a licking but kept on ticking (explains why fireworks have a special meaning to me).

On July 8th I woke up with a headache and Gonzo said it’s probably a hangover from that Friday night of drinking. On July 9th I woke up with a headache again and though damn hangover. On that Monday of July 10th I woke up with a headache and during morning formation I stepped out to go to sick call. They took me to the medical center and ran some test to determine what was wrong. Nothing was wrong and I was released back to duty. The rest of the day I had the headache and by end of the day everything I was eating I could not hold down. That night back at our place I was crying to Gonzo that there was something wrong this headache will not go away and I can’t eat anything “what’s wrong with me?” As I fell asleep in Gonzo’s arms, I could see it in his eyes that he was worried also. The next morning, during the morning formation once again I step out to go to sick call. While I was heading out First Sergeant calls me out “Sgt. you going to sick call again? This is two days in a row, you better have something wrong with you!” Once again I passed the test they gave me. I insisted that something was and I wished to have a neurosurgeon have a look at me. They complied and sent me neurology, while there I met with a neurosurgeon and explained to him my situation. He asked me if the ER ever took a CT of my brain these two days? I replied “no”. He sends me over to get a CT. As the CT was just finished and the machine was extracting me; I was about to sit up. “Hold it there SGT, I think you better remain still” the CT technician said to me. A hospital stretcher bed was brought over. The CT technician “I would like for you to slide yourself over into the stretcher.” As I was doing that the neurosurgeon can in and showed me the CT scan there was a pool of blood above my right eye ball to the back of my skull. The neurosurgeon said to me “we are going to have to perform surgery on you to remove this buildup of blood” I asked “how?” “basically we are going to drill holes into your skull and extract the blood and let it and remaining deposits to drain.” I thought to myself then asked “am I going to have a metal plate?” “hopefully not it depends on how many borings we do and how big the borings are, if the draining from the boreholes are not sufficient we would have to remove your skull to remove the pool of blood. Right now we are going to take you to neurosurgery preparation room for surgery.” As I was being wheeled away to get prepped I asked the nurse “can I make a call, I need to call my family” she replied after we get your vitals I’ll wheel you over to the phone and you can make a call. The first call was to back to my unit to try to get a hold of Gonzo. The personnel said he is out doing some squad drills, I said to the SGT on-call “can you give Gonzo and message, tell me I’m going into surgery at the medical center”. The nurse comes by and said we need to take you in, I “wait I need to call my family” I made several phone calls and each time I got a hold of a family number I would be and answering machine. Finally after the fifth call I get one of my sister in-laws “can you tell my family of what’s going on and I’ll be fine. Here call this number at the hospital for updates, I got to go, I’m going into surgery right now” (click). I’m wheeled into the neurosurgery room, and the anesthesiologist gave me and injection in my IV “okay Frankie can you count backwards starting at 10?” “10 – 9 – wait I’m itchy? I’m itchy” the anesthesiologist “you’ve broken out in hives, your allergic to” and I was out cold. The next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital room lying on my right side with the neurosurgeon calling my name. “I see your awake now, what I need for you to do now is to rest and think good thoughts, I’ll be back to check on you, right now you have some visitors who would like to see you”. There were my friends, smiling and saying “damn Frankie you gave us a scare” I remained still and just smiled to the best I could but my eyes were searching for him. My best buddy saw me and said “come on boys let’s give them a moment”. As the slowly exit, finally there was Gonzo at the foot of the bed.
I said to him “why are you standing down there?”
He replied “I don’t like seeing you like this”
“Like how? I’m going to be fine.”
“Babe you have tubes in your head” as tears being to flow down his face.
I see the pain in his eyes and say “I have what?” while crying.
He walks down and grabs my hand “you’ll be fine, we’re together”

It seems like forever until the neurosurgeon can back
“SGT what we need for you to do is remain lying down on your side for three days before we remove the draining tubes from your skull and determine if further surgery is needed. You are not allowed to make sudden movements, try to sit, stand or roll over.” “do you understand what I just said”

“yes, I do”
“the staff here will be monitoring you and I’ll be stopping by from time to time. Now rest up and think good thought”

As the doctor leave I ask Gonzo “did you call my family?”
“Yes, I did, they are worried. I called again after you were cleared from surgery. I’ll call them in a bit to tell them you’re awake and doing fine.”

There’s a lot more to tell of my rehab by that is another story

Just Got a text “thristy?” ahhh now which stiff drink I would gulp down? hmmmm

Just Got a text “thristy?” ahhh now which stiff drink I would gulp down? hmmmm

Really email spam, who falls for this crap?

I got this from an email spammer

Remember it’s spam people

"Dearest Friend,

I am Mrs. mary jet from United Kingdom (London), I am 58 years old, born in Malaysia Kelantan and was offered to a Charity Home in London when I was 12years old. I am suffering from a long time cancer of the breast, from all indication my conditions is really deteriorating and it is quite obvious that I can’t work or do any stressful thing, according to my doctors they have advised me that I may not live for the next two months, this is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very bad stage.

I was brought up from a motherless babies home was married to my late husband for twenty years without a child.

My Husband (johnson ) died in a fatal motor accident and since his death I decided not to re-marry, I sold all my inherited belongings and deposited all the sum of $5.6 million dollars in Financial Institution.

Presently, this money is still with them and the management just wrote me as the true owner to come forward to receive the money for keeping it so long will attract a demurrage fees as the security Fees paid by me has expired or rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I can not come over because of my illness or they get it confisticated.

So instead of getting it confiscated I rather have someone whom I can trust to receive the funds and utilize it according to my Wishes. And the best part of it is, the security company told me in the letter that they can have the funds released to my approved person that was authorized by me or transferred to his bank account.

Presently, I am using my laptop in the hospital in United Kingdom (London) where I have been undergoing treatment for my sickness. I have lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only more 2 months to live. It is my last wish to see atleaset 75% of this money invested/donated to any organization/business of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organization, e.g. the poor homes, the motherless babies home where I came from, the deaf homes, and mosques etc.

All I seek for is a God fearing person like you ,who will carry out my last wishes and before I emailed you today I prayed my spirit gave me the confidence to send you this email. I took this decision, before I rest in peace because my time will soon be up. As soon as I receive your reply I will direct you to my personal Lawyer, He Is Presently Undergoing Seminal Research In Ireland, he does everything on my Behalf and he’s a very understanding Person and I believe he will lead you according to my Instructions and ensure that you Receive this Fund Successfully.

Please send me the Below information:
(blah blah blah)

All I need from you is a confidential assurance that the funds when received by you will be used for the said purpose, Nowadays there are so much scams going on in the internet and it is difficult to trust but I Believe that the Almighty God will not direct me to a wrong person that will misuse this fund on a selfish interest.

Waiting for your reply.

Mrs.Mary Jet.”

Remember I was sent this spam email

atrippy dream

The Dream I had last night has really affected me. 

I thought I was handling my situation rather well but apparently I’m not.

What a Dream –

Some dreams have hidden messages, some dreams are just down fun, some dreams are a flat out slap in the face. 

It a day in a snow park everybody was having fun it seemed everybody was partnered up, including me. Somehow I find myself on this hill with an inner tube, being the crazy fuck head that I am I grab the inner tube and went downhill.  That was all it took for a race to being tubing downhill, adults kids and the in between were going down. Out of nowhere, like typical dreams, the inner tubes transformed in full sleighs.  The ones going downhill in lanes were only kids now, all the adults were working at the end taking the kids off the sleigh and transporting the sleighs uphill for the kids to enjoy.  The adults would get into teams of four to carry the sleighs uphill. I decided I should help out and carry a sleigh up. The first re-transport lane I got into I wait my turn to help carry the sleigh up. As the sleigh stops the group and the kids dismount as we weight the sleigh blades broke so that lane closed.  So I get into another lane, I wait my turn in another group of 4. As it is our turn to carry the sleigh, the kids get dismount.  We get in position to lift the sleigh the bottom of the sleigh just drops.  Ok two more sleigh lines I help out, so I decide to join another line.  Once again I wait and it’s my turn help out.  That sleigh breaks!  One last sleigh to go, I’m determined to prove its not me.  I get in line and my turn to help out. We get into position, we lift the sleigh, we start carrying the sleigh uphill.  I’m excited in my head thinking it’s not me I’m not jinx.  Then all of a sudden one of the guys loses his grip and the sleigh falls out of our hands and breaks into a million pieces.  Then I wake up.

This is a tough dream for me to handle because no matter how much I wanted to help out. Not matter how patient I was I could not help out.

Not having kids was by choice. I’m too selfish to have kids. Having kids was just not in my goals nor outlook in life.

I recently tested HIV positive in July, when I got the results that I was positive I thought I was handling it ok. I did not think my life was over nor did I think that my goals would change.  But this dream has effected be because even if I don’t want kids, now I shouldn’t have kids!

Kids were not on my radar, but even if I was to find that right person I shouldn’t have my own biological kids.

back in the years

back in the years

what a gym pump

what a gym pump

someone on the btm needs a tan

someone on the btm needs a tan